Friday 6 June 2008

Grey thoughts clouding my mind

Old Dairy (as seen last week)

Have you noticed all the grey on my blog recently? Partly it's all the rain we're having (but interspersed with sun so the gardens are very happy). Partly it's my glum feelings after the family visit. 5 days of trying to fake being well. I don't know why I bother,
in all the time I've been ill (15 months for this recent bout of M.E.) my family has never once asked how I am. I think that's pretty weird and I'm finding it more upsetting than usual this month. I'm not sure why. More on this in the comments for this post.

Lucy by a farm door


Cally said...

I've read so many blogs in the past few years where people talk about how much support they have from their families through their chronic illness. I always get weepy hearing that, I want that. I can't even imagine what that would be like, to actually have your family care if you are feeling better, or worse?

My brother is better, he acknowledges my health through sarcasm and jokes when we talk and quite frankly, he still has Idol status after his extreme generosity in taking me back to LA this year. That meant a lot, way better than asking me how I'm doing. Note to family... "can be bribed with expensive trips down memory lane to warm climates".

But the trip also highlighted the fact that I never fit in. We visited so many places where they were living as a family (when they returned a few years after our first stay) while I was stuck with my psychotic Aunty in Scotland. I was really weird to hear stories of them going to movies, visiting friends, having trips away, all normal family stuff - but all the while I was stuck in that house with Mrs Crazy praying I wouldn't put a foot wrong in case she tried to kill me. Gosh, just realised that there lies another reason why I am so damn good at acting like everything is fine, with her it was essential. One hint of a wrong look and she would fly into a psychotic rage. So I hid everything, hid the worry, hid the terror, and hid any hint of not agreeing with her 100% at all times. I found out afterwards that they knew she was nuts, which made me wonder how they could leave their child with her? I wouldn't even let a violent woman walk Lucy for one hour, never mind live with her for over 2 years.

Sorry if this sounds a bit low, this is actually the upbeat version, the previous one being so long and so dark it would have put you into a coma! Hopefully having blurted a bit of my negativity here I can move on a bit and start focusing on positive things again, it's the only way I can manage to keep my health on an even keel. In fact, I won't post this until I have something more cheerful or colourful to post immediately afterwards to lift the spirits.

Camilla said...

Gloomy posts are just as welcome reading as sunshiny ones. My family have been less than supportive of me and my health problems, I am always impressed by people who have family members that rally round in a crisis. To be fair to my family they have been there in one way or another when things have been at their very worst, but it's the day to day, taking me seriously that they lack. I try to keep my blog free from too much gloom and health related stuff, because I still have this fear that I won't be taken seriously if I 'confess' all my issues- i'm scared that I won't be able to 'make it' if people know all about me.

Cally said...

thanks for commenting camilla, i'd be happy to read these things on your blog, but i get why you are wary since i'm the same. i reckon we can get away with little bursts to let the pressure out without freaking people too much. i hope.

Anonymous said...

I fake it with my blood family too because they 'don't really believe in all that stuff'. I can never handle conversations about how it's because I'm too fat or unfit and if I'd just do X, Y or Z, I'd be better.

Anonymous said...

The stuff with the crazy auntie sucks btw, what on earth were they thinking?

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